A Day in the Barber Shop
by Cody Warner
It is like any other barbershop throughout the state, even the country. The regulars, that’s the old ladies that sit in those chairs with the lids, come to gossip everyday and brag about all the things they have accomplished in life. The most common subject I have ever over heard, while I was cutting someone’s hair, was that of how these old ladies would fool and control their husbands. I would find myself paying more attention to these stories than I would my paying customer. I didn’t know if they were true, and frankly, I didn’t exactly care. They were incredible amusing.
Like Ellie Johnson. She must have been close to a hundred years old, but she had so many stories that she could talk for days and days. She loved to share her stories about how she controlled her late husband Carl. From what I have gathered, Carl was quite a drinker, and because of the booze had a hard time with his memory. Old Ellie took this to her advantage. She would mix poor Carl any drink he would like, and keep mixing them until he passed out. Then, the next morning she would ask them when he was going to do what he had promised the night before. Sometimes it was a new dress, other times a chore that needed done. Since Carl couldn’t remember much of the night before, he would always go along with what Ellie would say so that he didn’t look like a fool. It went on like this until the day Carl passed away. He never had an idea that old Ellie was making a fool out of him.

Then there was Gretchen Wilson, and she was just about as old as Ellie. Her husband is dead now too, and I’m pretty sure that she put him in his grave. You see her husband, Clyde, loved to go next door and smoke his pipe with his neighbor. Well, when he got home Gretchen would always be fighting mad. She would blame him for cheating on her with the neighbor’s wife. She knew that he wasn’t, but she would nag poor Clyde until he felt so guilty that he would do just about anything to make Gretchen happy. I’m sure that she yelled at him so much about the neighbor’s wife that he figured he was sleeping with her. Clyde didn’t know, however, that while he was at work everyday, Gretchen was sleeping with the milkman. He never even thought about it. He felt so bad for putting the thought into Gretchen’s head that he was cheating that the idea that she was sleeping around never entered her head. I wonder if Clyde got the idea when the milkman came to the hospital with Gretchen.

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Those to ladies seem like schoolgirls to Bertha Jones. She was a little younger than Ellie and Gretchen, but she was twice as evil to her husband Bob. She would do the other things that Ellie and Gretchen did, and more. She would nag him about the house, and the bills, and blame him for cheating. But she did the worst thing that she could do, and that was refusing to get intimate with Bob. Bob would get so lonely sometimes that he would do anything so that Bertha would get intimate with him. Bertha always had the biggest diamonds, and the biggest pearls. She had the pretties dresses, and Bob sure did buy her a nice car. Most of Bob’s thoughts were ways he could treat her better so that he could get intimate on more occasions. He is still alive today, and every Saturday he goes out and buys Bertha and new dress. I guess he still hasn’t figured it out yet.

Those ladies sure could control their men. I could listen to those ladies talk for hours about what the put their husbands through. I sure am glad that my wife isn’t like that. Sure she has some control on me, but I’m a free man and I don’t worry about any of those tings. I have more stories but they’ll have to wait because I have to buy my wife a new necklace before the jewelry store closes