.. ng). I’ve made a few notes here below about a few specific changes where I chose new phrasing based on context. I’ve organized the notes by paragraph — the number after each P refers to the order of the *original* placement of the paragraph. ESSAY 1 P1.
These are strong and vivid images with which to begin an essay, but the list format is not recommended: admissions officers will be far more impressed if you can seamlessly weave these images into the text. So I condensed the listings and modified the format into paragraph form. P2. When you say that at fifteen you decided to focus on environmental studies, does it mean that at that time you entered university (as an undergraduate)? There is no mention of your college years — instead you delve into your Master’s right at the third paragraph — so you might want to make that experience more explicit in the second paragraph, mentioning, for instance, exactly where you attended university. P3 and P4 These two paragraphs were both short and related, so I condensed them into a single paragraph (having too many paragraphs can make an essay seem choppy and digressive). P5 and P6 When you mention Koc Holding as the first and biggest diversified conglomerate, do you mean the first and biggest in Turkey? I assumed this was the case and added Turkey, but be sure to change the passage if that’s not the case (for instance, if it’s Europe/Asia’s first and biggest, or the world’s).
As with the previous passage, it made sense to combine these two paragraphs. P8 & P9 The phrase appropriate solutions is awkwardly vague. How about adaptable? Built transition from P8 to P9 and consolidated. P 10 and P11 Consolidated Once you have written out the school’s full name, you can refer to it simply as XXX. P13 Very redundant. You have already said most of these things.
I eliminated the paragraph. P14 You sound like a brochure. I’ll just incorporate the alumni network and student group info into the body of the text in the previous paragraph (P12). P15, P16 Again, these paragraphs don’t add much to the essay. It’s better to end with a solid conclusion than simply to peter out, so I condensed the section.
ESSAY 2 P1 The first sentence was very unclear; I rephrased it — basically, simplifying the structure — to clarify the meaning. Add year of the earthquake. P4 We have rent a bus Who is we? I assumed it was your Cekul co-workers and you. P5 I was impressed with Cekul’s activities. Watch out for redundant phrases — you had used the exact same phrase in P3. The sentence While working with Cekul, I have also learned about their other activities such as restoration of historical houses is interesting, but it detracts from the narrative, so I eliminated it.
P7 and P8 Consolidated P8 You might want to clarify the phrase families who could hardly speak Turkish, because a lot of people outside Turkey are unaware of your country’s diversity. What language(s) do these family speak? P12 educating those kids. It’s unclear: are you referring to the Cekul kids? I’ve assumed that was the case. The meaning of the last sentence was also a bit unclear — exactly what are those examinations for? This is how I interpreted the passage: I also took two kids, ages ten and eleven, under my wings with the goal of helping them pass the private college entrance exam that would qualify them to receive government sponsorship for their entire education. P16 This might be painful, but I eliminated the last paragraph — the poet’s saying.
It is, no doubt, a beautiful saying, but so many students end (or begin) their essays this way that it has become clich. By ending with the current section — stating simply that helping these two kids was your greatest accomplishment — leaves the reader with a strong, lasting impression of your character and sense of commitment. ESSAY 3 P1 Talk in the future sense: it’s more assertive. Say I will instead of I can. P2 The names of computer applications should be capitalized.
P3 Economical and economic have slightly different meaning — when referring to the economy, use economic. P8 Again, I removed the section heading and worked in a transition, tying your qualifications to your leadership experience and thereby rendering the essay a seamless, well-constructed text. When including several complex clauses in a list, it’s best to use semi-colons instead of commas. The result is three essays that reveal clear thinking, a unique background, and a keen determination to succeed. Good job, and best of luck in the admissions process — you have picked a fascinating track within the business world.
Best regards ————————————————– —————————— Edited Essay: EssayEdge significantly improves each essay using the same voice as the author. The only way to evaluate editing is to compare the original essay to the edited version. We significantly improve essays for both clients who write poorly and for clients who write exceptionally well. ESSAY 1 Turkish news nowadays carry vivid images which have become terrifyingly commonplace: the surface of the sea littered with dead sheep; a landfill explosion leading to a number of deaths; vendors offering radiation-contaminated tea for half-price; a little girl’s death resulting from her fall through an open sewage manhole in her schoolyard; radioactive waste sold to unsuspecting scrap dealers; a twenty-year-old tanker breaking into pieces, spilling hundreds of tons of crude oil into the ocean and killing sea life all around. The frequency with which these environmental disasters fill Turkish news broadcasts — along with the obvious insensitivity of the authorities towards both environment and health issues — prompted me to learn about ways to prevent these types of disasters.
At the age of fifteen, I decided to focus my studies on environmental sciences in order to equip myself with the technical tools I would need to make a real contribution. After earning a Master’s degree in environmental sciences, I completed a professional international management certificate program in order to gain a management perspective of the field. I then realized that, in order to effectively combine my technical knowledge and management skills, I needed to accumulate real-world experience. Specifically, working at a large company would allow me to develop insight into various industries, as well as an overarching vision of the international business arena. I have now worked for nearly two years in the energy and environment group of Koc Holding, Turkey’s first and biggest diversified conglomerate.
As a project engineer, I am mainly responsible for our holding companies’ environment and energy sector investments. This position has given me the opportunity to interact with businessmen from all over the world, thereby expanding my international perspective. Because of my outstanding work performance, I was chosen to attend various meetings with local and international governmental bodies such as OPIC, IFC, and the World Bank. It is highly unusual for a young associate to represent the company at such events, and my self-confidence — as well as my management skills — was further enhanced by that successful experience. While working in various business lines, including the automotive industry, consumer durables, and the energy sector, I have realized that the root cause of many environmental problems is financial.
I believe that many people in the environmental sector are so ignorant or insensitive that they will cheat customers to increase profits. Furthermore, businesses do not prioritize environmental investments; as a result, insufficient funds are allocated to adequately prevent problems. For instance, despite a population over eight million people, Istanbul — Turkey’s largest city — still lacks a properly operating sewage system. In most of the areas of the city, waste water is discharged directly into the Bosphorus. In the long term, I hope to help solve my country’s problems by starting my own environmental-services business in Turkey.
The company will serve both local and international customers by providing cost-effective, adaptable solutions ranging from waste management to safety management. In order to accomplish this goal, however, I must deepen my knowledge of the field. Despite my experience, I still lack some important knowledge and management skills, especially in finance, marketing, and entrepreneurship. I am also aware that my knowledge of American environmental issues is insufficient. Since dealing with aspects of international business will be an integral part of my job as an entrepreneur, it is essential that I fill in these gaps. The XXX School’s MBA program is the perfect bridge from where I am to where I want to be.
I am attracted by the inventiveness and uniqueness of its entrepreneurial and finance programs, and believe that I will increase my practical knowledge of entrepreneurship by interacting with my classmates. I value the fact that at XXX entrepreneurial education does not stop at the classroom, but rather continues through internships and extracurricular activities. I feel that a business school for entrepreneurs should balance a dose of theory with real-world application, and XXX’s curriculum and hands-on experiences through associations, internships, and the management field study provide such balance. I am also drawn to XXX because of the school’s emphasis on teamwork and technology, reflected by such exciting courses and programs as High Technology Entrepreneurship, International Finance, 12-week field application projects, and the global immersion program directed to teach global thinking and global action. Additionally, the school’s profusion of student groups and its flexible entrepreneurial program — with electives from 200 courses — will allow me to tailor my course of study directly to my career interests. It is precisely this flexibility that I plan to draw on while at XXX and beyond, by taking advantage of (and contributing to) the school’s strong international alumni network.
Above all, a XXX MBA will help me strengthen both the finance knowledge and the entrepreneurial skills necessary to secure a position as an environmental specialist in a multinational American-based firm. Such a position, in turn, will prepare me to accomplish my long-term ambition of building my own company. By developing and maximizing the technical knowledge and managerial skills I have already accumulated, XXX will allow me to ultimately make a concrete and substantial contribution to Turkey’s environment. ESSAY 2 For one of my undergraduate classes, I was once asked to select a project to work on with a supervisor whose interests matched my own. I had chosen to study with the Head of the University’s Environmental Engineering Department on a project entitled Environmental Risk Assessment of Hazardous Materials. After an earthquake disaster hit Turkey in , causing approximately 30,000 deaths, the country’s State Planning Organization used the model we developed in this project to determine the risks posed by materials spilled around the region devastated by the earthquake.
In addition to working with me on my project, my supervisor also provided me with other important assistance. Not only did he teach me about the issue at hand, he also shared with me the practical experiences he had accumulated during the course of both his professional career and his personal life. His main goal was to shape his students into well-educated and socially active engineers with strong personal and professional ethics. He took me to many seminars, fairs, and conferences in order to give me the background necessary to become an engineer of whom he could be proud. I followed his example through personal initiatives such as becoming president of the Environment Club, through which I organized technical site visits and meetings on environmental engineering for first-year students. One day, my supervisor told me about Cekul, a non-profit organization of which he was a member. I was impressed with the group’s activities. Cekul’s main activity is a tree-planting campaign called Seven Trees.
The idea for the campaign comes from the assumption that the average person consumes almost seven trees for his or her needs annually. I decided to organize a planting day with Cekul. My co-workers and I rented a bus for the forty-five students involved. At the planting site there were also children and teenagers present — participants of a Cekul a program called Education for Our Future, meant to educate children of families who cannot afford preparatory courses for college and university entrance exams. Together we planted 650 trees in one day. Finding the work immensely gratifying, I decided to volunteer to work with Cekul’s education program. I soon discovered that at Cekul I could finally realize one of my childhood dreams.
I spent much of my childhood moving around Turkey because my father was an officer in the Turkish army. The perspective and insight gained during that time have been significant factors in my personal development. In the early 1980’s, for instance, there was a great deal of political unrest in Turkey, and security was a major issue for citizens. For a while, we children attended school in the company of soldiers. As if all the commotion were not enough, I went to three different primary schools because my family moved so often.
My father’s postings coincided with the least developed towns of Eastern Turkey. Those regions were severely affected by the unpredictable economic conditions and terrorism rampant in Turkey in those days. Unemployment was soaring, and a substantial proportion of the population had to subsist on welfare. My classmates came largely from poor families who spoke little Turkish and could not afford to purchase school uniforms, let alone basic necessities like medicine and food. Because of the instability, the quality of my own education suffered as well.
Yet I realized early on that I would need to study hard in order to succeed in life. Through determination and perseverance, I did well on the university entrance exams and was offered admission by one of Ankara’s best colleges, as well as by a university in Istanbul. It was no easy task acquiring a top-notch education, and I knew first-hand the difficulties faced by children. I have always felt a need to help others; now, as an educated man, I feel even more responsible towards those less fortunate than myself. Years ago I started allocating approximately six hours each weekend to tutoring Cekul kids in mathematics, physics, and chemistry. I also took two kids, ages ten and eleven, under my wing with the goal of helping them pass the private college entrance exam that would qualify them to receive government sponsorship for their entire education. After seven months of hard work, we succeeded.
The two kids entered the program, and this summer they are going to graduate from high school. I tried to shore up their academic foundations with personal support — by playing a brotherly role, listening to their problems and guiding them towards solutions. We organized picnics and arranged city sightseeing tours to make them socially conscious citizens. Cekul, in short, turned out to be the opportunity that I had been looking for to honor my vow. I do not hesitate in pointing to these two kids’ success as my most significant personal accomplishment to date.
ESSAY 3 My goal, upon finishing my graduate studies, was to obtain a position in a large corporation. I received and accepted an offer from Koc Holding, a diversified conglomerate, and began my professional career as a project engineer at the company’s Energy and Environment group headquarters. I believe that the same perseverance and determination that enabled me to attain these goals will allow me to contribute my unique background to XXX’s dynamic student body. In addition, I will share with my fellow students my unusual experiences, such as founding an Environment Club while at college, while drawing on my proven ability to motivate others towards a common goal. I have also acquired specific, practical skills that will allow me to pool my resources with those of fellow students.
I am quite skillful with several software applications (including Word, Excel, and Powerpoint). At my company, I am often asked to prepare presentations at meetings. Although we have an information center at the headquarters, coworkers frequently come to me first when they encounter problems with their PCs. My adaptability skills come in handy even in the workplace: I have learned to function smoothly despite unpredictable social, economic, and cultural conditions. During the process of energy privatization, I played a crucial role in my company’s new line of business regarding lignite-fired thermal power plants.
I have worked both on the environmental end and on the legislative and economic ends of those projects in order to gain a big picture of privatization. The insight that these experiences have given me into unpredictable emerging market issues — and especially the energy sector privatization in Turkey — has proved invaluable, and I look forward to sharing it with my classmates. Over the course of these experiences, I have worked with many different people, which has strengthened my communication skills. I am able to express myself well by adapting my communication style to specific people or audiences. I have no doubt that these abilities will come in useful in moderating group discussions or disagreements.
After all, as a successful project engineer, I have represented my company at various meetings in London, Germany, and the United States — a range of experiences rather unusual for someone in his first years at a Turkish company. The Case Study method used at XXX School may pose new challenges for some candidates; I, however, became familiar with this method during my professional certificate program. By investigating each case from multiple perspectives, I discovered (and subsequently applied) several successful strategies, including active participation and thorough preparation. I believe my experiences will be very helpful to my classmates. In addition to this unusual work background and energetic disposition, I will be bringing to the campus a strong taste for, and vast experience with, leadership roles. In 1997, for example, the Turkish Ministry of Energy and Natural Resources tendered the transfer of the operating rights of Kangal — a lignite-fired, 450-megawatt thermal power plant — to a consortium comprised of Koc Holding A.S., Demir Export A.S., NRG Energy, Peabody Holding Company and Egem Energy A.S.
My work on this pioneering energy privatization project is my greatest professional achievement to date. Our energy and environment group has handled the development of this energy business project. I started working within the environmental task team formed by the consortium members early on in the project. Our main task has been to establish the scope of environmental activities for which the consultants would tender. Due to my technical expertise in environmental issues, the coordination of refurbishment activities has become my main responsibility.
Specifically, my duties have included defining the current environmental status of the plant and the surrounding area as well as defining the areas requiring refurbishment; obtaining required documentation and permission from the Turkish Electricity Authority; interviewing on-site personnel and providing Turkish-English translations; organizing consultant work schedules, accommodations, and transportation; gathering information and creating presentations to consortium members in London and Istanbul; and attending meetings with lenders comprised of the Overseas Private Investment Corporation and the World Bank. In order to effectively attain these goals, I have had to combine several managerial skills, hard work, thorough analysis, careful planning, timely response, and the ability to lead and motivate co-workers, increasing people’s awareness of environmental issues. Because I have been able to achieve these duties, my colleagues and supervisors have placed a great deal of trust in me. As a result, I am now delegated to work on several aspects of the project, including legislative and financial issues. I have become one of the contact people and company representatives in internal and external meetings among consortium members and investment institutions.
Through this project, I have had a chance to gain important international experience, and to improve my verbal and written communication skills both in Turkish and English. By combining the experience I have gained through this project with the other skills I have accumulated, I will bring to the campus unique perspectives and an innovative way of thinking Business.