Subject: doesnt make sense …

*click* .. i turn off the lights and my room plunges into darkness and as i turn my face from the wall towards the room’s length, the darkness seems ever so more dark and i stumble to find my bed that has been there all my life and i immediately realise how is it possible that i lose track of where my bed is each night when i close the light, i stop, and then tell myself, probably this happens with a lot of other things in life .. so be it with this .. as i lie on the bed, i feel like ive just been offered a bed of roses in heaven, why .. because i was tired, and straightening my back was the only thing i could think of … but … theres something different tonight, last night when the moon light had lit my room with its sparkle … i was looking at the things it made to glow and i wanted to go to sleep because i needed to rest my mind that had been working the whole day, why rest .. because i wanted to wake up fresh for the day that had to follow, but tonight .. when i lied down and felt at ease, i wasnt so energetic about going to sleep and waking up fresh .. why .. because i wondered, i woke up fresh this morning, but look at my state right now .. tired .. disoriented .. not thinking clearly .. a thousand things on my mind and i cant concentrate on neither one of them .. why is that everyday starts of afresh .. and ends up like this .. doesnt make sense .. and sometimes when things dont make sense .. youre forced to ponder upon them even when the most needed thing in front of you would be sleep .. i wonder why .. i know people are sent in this world to live and pray in front of God to make Him happy and to help eachother .. what am i doing .. what are others doing .. surely they have the same God as mine .. didnt they get the same message ? .. then why do i feel that i need to help others and im guilty of not thanking Him enough and all the others are going just fine .. why is that i’ve been told to build my life up .. stand on my own feet .. and be stable and strong, if this is the message ive gotten .. havent all the people who today are dependant on me gotten the same too ? .. doesnt make sense .. i go to sleep tonite .. just to retain any drop of energy that i might spend more than i can afford .. so that i may use it in the next days proceedings .. but then tomorrow night its going to be the same .. why sleep and wake up .. when the next day to follow will be exactly the same .. why live another day when you’ve already lived it today .. ive seen over two decades of winters in my life .. they never change .. what makes me so sure my life would .. i dont see anything in my past .. im living my present because i dont have anyother option .. and i bloody dont know anything about my future .. then what am i doing .. doesnt make sense .. i dont even know that if i close my eyes .. would i be opening them again ever .. would i be seeing all that ive yet to see in my life or not .. would i be standing up to the expectations of all the people who look up to me .. would i be hearing comments on me that i deserve .. would i ever get to love someone .. would i ever be loved by someone ? .. of all the things, … my own life is uncertain .. my next breath is uncertain .. then what makes sense here .. if your next breath tells you that i’ll be with you only when you’ve breathed me in and out … whats the use of trusting it ? .. after all we all say .. whats the use of trusting a person who cant be there for you when you need him to be .. this .. is not a person .. its your own breath .. doesnt make sense .. does it ? .. the dreams that make the heart beat faster unknowingly never come to life .. i dream and i wake up feeling as if ive lost in real .. how do i make dreams come true ? .. and before that .. how do i dream of what i want to dream ? .. i thought dreams are the only thing you have of your own .. arent they supposed to be like that too ? .. whos snatching my dreams away and replacing them with nightmares that make me wake up crying .. why is that i wet my eyes for reasons i shouldnt be wetting them on .. doesnt make sense .. it really doesnt make any sense .. people say that today where you stand, you see .. feel .. nothing of the worries that may lurk in the life to come .. what makes them so sure that that is all anyones life would have ? .. and if so .. why do i shed the tears before i should .. is that because when i’ll for real be going through the future phase i’ll have no more in my eyes to shed .. i dont want to become a stone .. because it doesnt make sense .. im not like this .. with this thought soaring all over my mind .. i close my eyes with an intension that maybe this darkness will see off all i’m thinking .. but as soon as my lashes close .. i feel that beyond my control .. my eyes have already felt my thoughts and have let go of a tear that starts trickling down my cheek .. and as i press on my lashes .. i feel it moved even faster and fell off on to my pillow .. and at that very instant .. a wave of internal happiness swept over me that if not anyone else .. atleast my tears support my thoughts and they agree to what i think .. for they dont come out without a reason .. and they are perhaps the only things that never trouble me .. doesnt make sense, how can a tear .. an authority of extreme emotion .. the fire that melts every stone .. the breeze that freezes every heart beat .. the voice that touches every soul .. the abstract that has the most definite of shapes .. how can it not be valued over the smallest things in life .. why are they called pearls .. because they are precious but not valued .. a gem is precious, but can you wear it ? .. or do you value it only for how it dazzles you with its shine .. and mesmerizes you with the fact that beauty exists in forms unimaginable to a man’s mind .. i feel theres no single answer to all these questions .. who would value my tears .. why would anyone care if i shed them in pain or in hurt .. or just because no one was there to see them .. and suddenly .. i see a smile turning into a sorrow .. everything blanks out .. whos was this smile .. why did it stop .. i turn in my mind into directions i havent seen .. i have to find out who was smiling and stopped on feeling my emotions .. and it happened again .. i see another smile going off .. and then another .. and repeatedly in sequence .. this of all the things .. doesnt make sense .. i rest .. think not of thinking about anything .. and out of nowhere .. my lips curl into a smile .. for i realised in that second that they were the smiles of all those people who care about me .. who love me .. who are always there for me .. in one way or the other .. they are the sources of my hope to live .. my will to breathe .. and most of all .. they smile because i smile .. and surely im not a person who would make so many smiles go off at the cost of mine .. infact i realise .. its only then when i smile when i feel that all these people have smiled because of me .. it doesnt make sense again .. how can this be possible ? .. but it is .. because their hearts feel of who i am .. what i am to them .. and they know in them of how high i keep them in my heart .. they form my life and all the good and the bad in it .. they are my closest .. and perhaps the things that define me .. my past .. my present .. and yes .. will be the breath i breathe in to define my future .. and life is nothing but a brand new opportunity everyday .. that needs to be capitalised .. lived .. and with each day .. everyone around me needs a little of my love .. for thats the only thing i can give and never lose .. and accept and never be full of it .. yes .. a wave of serenity travels through my body .. and i take a sigh of relief .. that finally .. all of what that .. didnt .. does make sense .. and .. love .. captures the highest in our hearts .. and even higher in other’s .. and the only smile that should matter to you is when you find that your love is valued high by another .. for this smile is worn not by your lips .. but by your heart .. and is there for eternity .. *smile*